What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 11:24
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i lived it daily.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Overthinking is killing me day-by-day. What should I do?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why do females hate MGTOW so much?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She married twice! .
Have you ever been a victim of gaslighting? What happened?
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I waited trembling.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What did i know ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot live in the past .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We all went to grammer schools
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He resisted the act ,that day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My life is so biszare .
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was very sick at this time too.
I write beautiful poetry .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So whats the point in blame.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It was going to be , some day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She found it foreign!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ive learnt so much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Who then, do I blame.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were not on the streets..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was scared of men, in general
I said to her
He knew the spot.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was in good health!
So, i spoilt her more .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She loved him until the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She wouldn,t have been !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
I could never make a relationship work though!
Comes on , in middle age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When she asked me how she looked .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Would this be the day?
This is soul school!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..